Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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