Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
