the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm both gender and math confused
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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