dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
