apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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