I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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