I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
