I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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