Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
