i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
