I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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