She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
