I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
