cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
