Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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