There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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