you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
