Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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