my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Randomize
