I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
