I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
