I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
