do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I don't deserve a penis
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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