I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
