If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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