I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
