this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
