I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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