Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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