i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
