Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
