I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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