did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
