I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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