Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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