it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
