It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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