i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
