the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Bring me that man meat
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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