My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize