hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
