just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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