i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
