What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
