do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I pour the whiskey from now on
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