as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
