is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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