Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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