if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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