god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
