You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
