ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
It's blow job season.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Randomize