I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm always down for nudity.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
