Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
