Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
