Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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