I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
