I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Randomize
