I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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